I haven’t really gotten around to sharing this story with many people, because Bakersfield dynamics are weird. Some people know how my home life is, some people don’t, and some people wouldn’t understand either way, so it got difficult for me to update everyone. What makes it even more complicated is, to me, who is everyone?
I know I definitely let Althea, Adrianna, and Crystal know everything.
Then I usually find my way to Cela at some point.
We all know my relationship with Theron was always rocky. I knew there was something dreadfully wrong since the Fall 2016 semester was coming to an end. I had almost committed suicide due to whatever dark thought was haunting me, and as usual, Theron wasn’t much help. Theron isn’t bad for me in these huge one time incident ways (usually), which is why I couldn’t bring myself to really end the relationship. Everything on paper seemed to be really small… unless you took all those small things and really looked at the forces driving them. But that can be talked about another time.
Theron and I had a really weird O/| relationship during the first few months of 2017, so around January to April.
Why was it weird? Well, it was because of all the weird boundaries set, the ways we approached breaking up, the ways we approached getting back together, and the ways we dealt with being with each other when we were together.
I don’t know how it was on his end, but I do know we weren’t big fans of each other. The way it was for me was I was in a relationship with someone I was falling out of love with, and I found myself wanting more. I even struggled with my sexuality. That’s the really simple version of it.
Long story slightly shorter story, we broke up for real when some shoving got into the mix with a little dabble of throwing things (on both ends)and a little accusation that I was making shit up about our relationship problems got put out there.
Breaking up was interesting for me, because it was something I had always secretly wanted, but didn’t know how to deal with.
Why was it really over this time? The shoving. I can’t tolerate violent touching.
But more importantly, he called me a liar. I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t mention that earlier, but that’s an important aspect.
I really wanted to encourage myself to move forward, so I decided to just throw myself into the lesbian dating pool. I got Tindr, and I just started talking to people.
I know it isn’t what you should do after breaking up. You should go through a period of being single and loving yourself, but I don’t know. I get lonely.
I had the intention of sleeping with a girl, and it happened. I feel bad for how it happened, but that’s not entirely relevant.
What’s relevant is that I felt so bad, I thought I should get back together with Theron again. Get another sense of normalcy.
I texted him not too long after I had sex with the girl.
I didn’t tell him I had sex with the girl, I just let him know my “feelings.” These feelings were false. These false feelings? THAT I WAS STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND THAT WASN’T TRUE.
The next day, I realized that’s not really how I felt,
but oh well?
The following day or two was nice. I just started to get along with Theron again as friends, and we talked, and I made it clear that my feelings are just feelings, but there was not intent on my end to act on them. Really. I knew it wasn’t meant to be with him.
He didn’t see it that way, and I came to realize that when I let him know the truth, that I had slept with someone.
Now the thing you have to realize about Theron is that he will lead you on to believe he’s fine, not using very emotionally charged language. He’ll ask questions, which usually is a signal of some sort of acceptance, right? Wrong, and I should’ve known, because my mother does this type of thing.
Theron wasn’t fine. He seems to love wallowing in his own misery, and so he needs info to make the situation as miserable as possible, and once it’s over and you clearly act like you’re relieved, that’s when it strikes. That’s when he unleashes his rage through sarcastic quips condemning your actions. He’ll let you know what could’ve been, but you screwed up, and for that you need to pay the price, the price of guilt and shame.
He does this a lot. So I got over it pretty quickly and kind of appreciated the fact he would do that, because it would remind me why I shouldn’t be with him in the first place. However, he self-harmed and sent me a picture.
I tried to tell him right away to treat his wounds and then to see a therapist, but no dice. Apparently, there’s no way he’d do something I’d do, implying I’m a massive screw up.
When I get emotional, I get confused. And so I sent him a whole text after he blocked me about how I really did love him and was somewhat hoping we’d get back together (mistake), sort of with this intent of screaming into the void random nonsense that floated around my head.
At this moment, I decided to just become a complete slut cause I could.
I went on Tindr to look for both men and women.
It went pretty well.
I accidentally lead on someone who completely reminded me of one of my exes, except this guy, this new guy, was just plain … not attractive. It’s the type of unattractive where he obviously doesn’t take very good care of himself. He looks sloppy, his way of talking made it obvious he was a shallow person, and all in all just not my type.
I got Ramil to help me ditch him, and yes it did come back to bite me in the ass later, but that’s a story for another time.
I spent the remaining portion of the day setting up dates, getting more matches, etc.
Later that night, I hooked up with this ex-marine, ex-convict, present-day conservative sort of racist dude. It wasn’t great, but it was a start to my new hoe life.
I came across this Tindr profile of this guy who confused me.
He came off as both sort of rugged with his beard but at the same time polished.
He had a sort of blurry, but endearing, selfie of his profile in bed (I believe), snuggling a cat. The next photo was just a candid photo of him laughing at a table.
He was definitely really good looking, but what interested me most was just his forthright way of saying what he wanted in his bio.
He said his interests. (he liked boba, which I thought was funny in a cute way)
He said “no hookups”
You’d think, “Ohp don’t swipe right on this one Renee, you’re a hoe now!”
Uhm erhm. I swiped right. I don’t know. I’m a sucker for making friends with unattainable dudes who would eventually be driven off by my overt sexuality.
So turns out.
Dude super liked me.
I finally understood what that blue star thing was.
So then I realized oh shit, I’ve done that thing on accident.
I message him something along the lines of, “DW I understand super-liking is an accident.”
He replies a little after telling me that it wasn’t a mistake.
Uhm. Ba dump a bump goes my little ticker.
So we casually talk about Berkeley and stuff, and I’m on my guard a little cause
But then I lost my shit when we started talking about music.
This motherfucker knew about Kimbra and Grimes.
HOLY SHIT M8.
I was turnt.
We kept talking and talking and he eventually said he’d let me borrow his super duper awesome headphones, and I was like HELLLL YEAAAHHHH.
We had talked until around 7-8 in the morning, and he popped the question:
UH HELL YEAH.
But wait a second. I shouldn’t get TOO excited. First off, sometimes, people say this stuff casually, making it seem like “oh yeah let’s do this now,” but what they really mean is, “let’s do this later today, you know, when your initial excitement and joy turns into anxiety and paranoia.”
So I message him asking when.
Dude says basically now.
I’m on cloud 9.
I decide I’m on a roll.
I ask him for his number.
So I slow my roll a bit.
But no worries ain’t no brakes on the renee train.
I’m about ready to bust my “date” clothes, when I realize the problem at hand.
What do I do?
A girl wants to look DTF, but doesn’t want to scare him away, making him go “Girl WTF.”
A girl just wears ripped pants, a cropped tank top, and a huge cardigan over. This gives me some wiggle room.
I hot step it over to the frickin starbucks m8.
I know I usually get there before the other person, so I’m calm, not expecting to see him right away.
As I send him a message updating my status, a miracle happens, a rare pepe if you will
Not only did we sort of get there at the same time, we both made eye contact with each other as our first glance at one another.
Dude seemed sketched out by me.
DUDE HAD IT GOING ON.
Since we had been talking the whole night, I thought he’d look a bit more disheveled.
UH OH I WAS FUCKING SHOOOOOOOOKKK.
BRO WAS WEARING A NICE CASUAL SWEATER WITH LIKE NICE JEANS.
DUDE’S HAIR WAS COMBED.
THIS MOTHER**** WAS ROCKING THE BEARD.
So yeah he buys me coffee no big deal.
We go to 85 cause seating is an issue no biggie tis whatevah.
But here’s where things get a lil eh?
He busts out the headphones and I’m like OK WERK
and so I take em right?
I don’t know how to fucking listen to music in front of other people ok.
Usually I groove and sing, but like bitch I’m in public.
Conversation went well, we looked at memes. he sat next too me and his forearms. HIS FOREARMS. GAH.
He gives me his number on a fucking post it LOSERS.
IT WAS THE CUTEST THING EVER.
I DID THE SAME
HE GAVE ME THE CUTEST LITTLE SMILE WHEN I DID THAT.
FUCKING GAH FUCKERS.
And with our whole little 12 hour non stop conversation which went from online to in person, I had realized, that I had a huge fucking crush on this dude. Like I fell in love bruh.
We eventually leave to go get some onigiri.
He gets a phone call.
IT’S A GIRL’S NAME.
We eat our food.
He takes me home.
We say good bye right?
he goes in for the hug
but I fucking freak the freak out man cause I would’ve kissed that fool, so what do I do?
I freeze like a deer in the fucking hugging head lights.
so I panic and call up Ramil, and I spill all the T about Max.
Act FUcking 2
I’m messaging Max off Tindr. Things are going sorta well. I learn more about him. We got past the whole no-hug thing. We start to sort of kid with each other, ya know? He tells me he doesn’t have a dad, that we was a science experiment, offers to send me pictures, see? what picture does he send me? fucking mew 2.
But for real, he has 2 moms.
He offers to meet up with me again.
Do I say yes?
We meet up and he looks at me funny again but thas ok.
He was wearing a t-shirt, and I got to see more of those arms. yum.
We walk to campus from the BART station.
We get smoothies.
I see Alex.
I act awkward. no surprise there.
WE FUCKING GO TO HIS PLACE MAN.
I’M NERVOUS AS FUCK.
HIS PLACE WAS NICE WHICH WAS SURPRISING.
CAUSE APART FROM HIS ROOM, THE WHOLE COMPLEX LOOKED LIKE YOUR RUN OF THE MILL BERKELEY AFFORDABLE HOUSING, ESPECIALLY THE HALLWAY.
SO THINGS GO WELL
WE CLICK OVER MUSIC SEE?
I TRY MY BEST NOT TO LOOK LIKE I WANNA FLIRT WITH HIM WITHOUT SEEMING LIKE I’M DISINTERESTED SEE?
I start looking around his apartment cause you know that’s sorta what you do when the timing and stuff.
He says some stuff belongs to his roommate.
The stuff is HERS.
Immediate intimidation ensues.
I check around to see what the sleeping situation is like.
THERE’S ONLY ONE BEDROOM.
AND THERE’S ONLY ONE BED.
But like I don’t know. Whatever man.
He says she hasn’t been there in awhile so like shrugs.
Things move to the couch *elbow elbow*
We watch shitpost youtube videos for about hmmm 3-4 hours.
At some points, there was some physical contact, some shoulder rubbing *elbow elbow*
At some point some head resting on a shoulder *elbow elbow*
AND THEN I STRUCK GOLD MOTHER FUCKERS
I GOT TO THE CUDDLING/SNUGGLING PHASE
so what is this?????
We’re on tumblr right?
He points at a meme, “me.”
what does the meme say?
“I REALLY LIKE YOU.”
HOLY SMOKES PEOPLE
BEST CONFESSION EVER
all the shoujo heroines can learn a thing or two from this.
So yeah that’s how max and I started dating and I’d go more into the smooshy details, but that can come a later date, right now I need to get to some other stuff.
So Max and I sort of come to this conclusion that we’re madly in love blah blah
and then so it’s hard to find housing blah blah
we could live together with Adrianna and blah blah.
Honestly it did making finding things easier
Until Adrianna’s parents were like no which was understandable, but still sucked.
I go home for break and decide to let my mom know and she was cool with it as long as Adrianna was there.
I tell her Adrianna wasn’t gonna be there.
and that was expected but it was weird… cause what difference would it actually make?
I mean I get it, ensures my safety, but honestly…? I had been technically living with Max for a bit, so ????
I mean if you know my mom, some stuff just doesn’t make sense and you’d get where I’m coming from
I also can get a little impatient, but I thought about it, and it just occurred to me that she really controls my life a lot, and also some shit happened at home…
1. I was doing shit for RJ and that was ok someehow
2. I was being scolded for everything
3. I was placed in a stressful situation after exiting a stressful semester
4. No appreciation for what I’ve been accomplishing in terms of grades and helping out around the house and trying to make conversation with her.
Anyway it was a big mess at home with/without the whole living with max thing, that was just a trigger.
I decide to go to Berkeley.
Things got messy.
I stayed with Cela
My cell plan got deactivated then reactivated as my mom got more desperate for me to come back.
Honestly she made some really extreme offers just to get me to come home.
I’ve been living with Max and his parents, and honestly it’s been like living at home without the anxiety.
I’m going to visit my parents and my brother in a week and a half.
Wish me luck mofos.